Is Social Media interfering with our ability to make a real connection and find love?
Storified by Lauren Wenzel ·
Fri, Mar 06 2015 15:45:36
Before starting this project, I definitely had some preconceived ideas about the answer to my research question. Through personal experiences, I’ve always felt more connected to people because of technology and social media. But now I wonder, what kind of connection was I experiencing? On a personal note, I once went on a blind date with someone I’d met on
match.com. We’d been texting for a few days, he seemed cute, smart, funny. Everything pointed to a real match for me. But when we met in person… I knew in the first five minutes he wasn’t for me. Why? What was it that happened in those five minutes that made me dread what the next few hours of the date would bring? Since then, and because of this project, I realize the connection I had always felt was inhuman, it was dull, it was just so basic. There’s something I can’t explain but it’s so fundamental to my being, and I’m sure everyone else’s, that makes us yearn for an organic attachment. Regardless of my experience, however, I was interested to see what my research would find.
Studies show that only 7% of communication is based on written or verbal word. The other 93% is based on nonverbal body language. Sending a message that says “I’m okay” will never be the same, nor as effective, as telling you to your face. These messages will never carry the kind of weight that looking into one’s eyes or hearing the tone of their voice will. You just can’t get any of that from texting or messaging. Or can you?
Emojis have even begun changing our brains! According to Dr. Owen Churches, from the school of psychology at Flinders University in Adelaide, "emoticons are a new form of language that we're producing and to decode that language we've produced a new pattern of brain activity." He says it's human nature to study the face of the person we're conversing with, so it's only natural to adapt our technology to incorporate the same idea.
So, we know technology is adapting to try and be more natural when it comes to communication, but is it really helping our relationships? Dr. Rachel Needle, a psychologist at the Center for Marital and Sexual Health of South Florida, doesn’t think so; "not only is social media such as Facebook changing the way we relate to one another, many are also confusing digital intimacy with true intimacy.” Sure, receiving the hearts-for-eyes face emoji looks like a good sign that the guy I’m texting is interested, but what do I really get from that? How can I gauge his interest level on his pressing a button?
Dr. Karen Ruskin, a licensed marriage and family therapist, believes social media can be a healthy and fun way to support couples in their relationships, but it’s necessary to find balance; “we don't want to lose ourselves in our connection with others through technology.” Even with deeper, more secure relationships, it’s important to give individuals their space. When you can see your partners face and read his/her inner most thoughts at the touch of a button, it’s important to maintain boundaries.
Dr. Bernie Hogan, a researcher at the Oxford Internet Institute of Oxford University, has been researching “media multiplexity” and it’s affect on relationships. Media multiplexity, a theory developed back in 2005, is simply the ability to communicate through multiple communications channels. Originally, Dr. Hogan found that the more often people communicated through media channels, the stronger their relationship was. However, more recently in 2013, he withdrew his previous statement and said he and his team found evidence that convinced him social media had no significant improvement or a negative effect on relationships; “Over 24,000 people in marital relationships took part in the new research, using 10 media channels. We found that those using more media tend to report no greater relationship satisfaction and some even reported decreasing satisfaction.”
Did you know that the urge to check Facebook can be more tempting than alcohol, cigarettes, or sex? Studies have previously suggested that Facebook damages relationships for people with low self-esteem, that having too many Facebook friends can increase anxiety and lower self-control, and that constant usage breeds narcissism and encourages frustration, envy and low self-esteem in certain users. In the following New York Times article, David Wygant, a relationship and dating coach, expresses his distain for missed opportunities that result in our obsession with checking apps, networks, texts, emails and more.
However, is David Wygant a little too traditional for the modern era? Are we finding opportunities online that he fails to see? Which leads me to address the success of online dating websites such as eharmony,
match.com, okcupid, and more.
The following documentary delves into the world of online dating. Taking place in the UK, our narrator, Fiona, asks how truly genuine the search for true love is in the online dating universe. She focuses on one of the biggest dating websites in the UK, Cupid.com. What she found was that the company created fake accounts that lured users into paying for the full service. Even people who never used the website found their pictures and personal information on false accounts that claimed they were looking for love. One female user was asked by Fiona if she thought there was anything that suggested her matches were not who they say they are, and she responded with “no, I take them all at face value. I’ve no cause to think he’s not legit.” This kind of deceit is cruel for people who are trusting and simply looking for a partner.